Today is officially "Day One" for me in a new career as an independent software designer and developer.
Waking up this morning, I had two feelings. The voice in my head was much like a character in a film that trots out the old line: "I have good news and bad news. Which one do you want to hear first?"
Let's start with the bad I murmured to myself...
The first feeling was fear. I had a sudden feeling of "Shit! What have you done?"
Fear that maybe I am just kidding myself and this is all just a fantasy. That several months down the line I would have failed and that I would have to return, hat in hand, to getting a real job.
As Richard Feynman said:
"The first principle is that you must not fool yourself - and you are the easiest person to fool."
The second part of that fear was structural. Having a job, a place to spend the day, where you have to be there at a certain and time and do certain things, provides a structure and motivation to your day that suddenly is not there in the form that I am accustomed to.
Once I let that settle in though, I came to realise that such a fear is natural. It is what one does with that fear that ultimately decides whether we have failed or not. It is understandable to fear, as long as we face up to those fears.
As I made my way through my new morning routine, I started to see my fear as a challenge. Fear will only take its hold if you do not act upon it and face up to it. With this type of fear, the best way of facing it is to do the important work of creating, of building. Step by step. As such, I decided to turn the fear into resolve.
The second feeling was excitement. Excitement that, for the foreseeable future, I am working to build a new lifestyle. A lifestyle driven by purpose and creativity in both my work and in my life. To experiment and see whether I can find a balance different to the one I have been living for a decade.
Is this not where we find progression and purpose?
At the intersection of fear and excitement. If I think about doing something outdoors, like snowboarding or surfing, the attraction often involved an continuous cycle of fear and excitement. When trying something new,like hitting a jump, we have fear because we have not done the thing before. What if we fall? What if we hurt ourselves? Then once we have done it, we realise, it is not so bad after all and we try it again and again until we finally land the jump. At that point, there is a feeling of excitement and a sudden rush of adrenaline and purpose. Now that one has done it, you are on to the next.
Suddenly, the options seem endless and, the cycle starts again. Maybe you fall, maybe you need to correct your stance? or your body position?
The thing is, fear and excitement, are only one part of the picture. The mental aspect. There is no progress without the physical. In the case of software development it is the process and habit of creation. The concept, the sketches, the design, the code, the flow. Unlike my previous job, the work does not end with the code and with the delivery. In order to make successful products, I will need to learn skills such as selling, marketing, managing feature priorities and needs. Who knows what else?
Let's get started!